STOP the Steal, Arizona! Everybody knows the Suns won and if not, you’re ‘fake news’ – The Arizona Republic


Opinion: There is no way the Phoenix Suns didn’t win last night’s game and the NBA championship. Everybody knows it. I hereby demand that Sen. Fann immediately launch an audit and STOP the Steal.

A crime has been committed, Arizona. A theft for the ages. Where oh where is Senate President Karen Fann and her crack team of ninjas when we need them?

Where is state Republican Party Chairwoman Kelli Ward with her hourly cry to “Stop the Steal” and state Sen. Wendy Rogers with her demand for a do-over and  Rep. Mark Finchem with new T-shirts to hawk?

Not one word have we heard from Sen. Paul Gosar, yet Anglo Saxons across the state are in mourning – as is every Arizonan who bleeds red, white and blue and purple and orange.

The proof is there, unless you’re just too corrupt to see it.

Just ask David Branch of the Village of Oak Creek. He first sounded the alarm in an email to me on Wednesday morning.

“The Phoenix Suns championship run was stolen from them last night! STOLEN!” he wrote. “To start with, the announcers said there were 65,000 fans outside the arena. Their count was way off. They didn’t show the millions of Suns fans crowding the mall. Millions. I’ve got pictures to prove it.”

We wuz robbed, all right. Everybody knows it.

There’s no way the Suns could’ve lost

Because there is no way our team could have lost and if you think there is, then obviously you are a fake news, loser socialist. Or possibly a Democrat.

Or perhaps you are just overly fond of cheese.

“The polls showed the Suns were favored to win the championship so how could they have lost?” Branch asked me. “It was stolen from them and I have proof. How could a guy like Antetokounmpo make all those baskets? He is probably the worst free throw shooter ever. I would have fired him.

“So it had to be an outside influence. I have a report from a very reliable source, Rudy Giannis, that the Chinese supplied basketballs that were smaller and lighter. They were made of bamboo. You could see the fine fibers fall off every time he shot! The refs were Venezuelan and they switched balls when the Suns had possession.”

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And on the sidelines?

“Everyone wore a MAGA hat, Make Antetokounmpo Great Again! Proof of fraud! It was rigged way ahead of time.”

I actually heard a rumor that Dominion Voting Systems was running the scoreboard and that One America News Network’s Christina Bobb hacked into the system to steal our slam dunks.

The fact that the scoreboard isn’t even connected to the internet? Irrelevant.

The outrage! They just kept counting the points

“Did you notice that every time the Suns made a 3 pointer they only gave us 2?” Branch asked. “And I was watching many times, many times, when they would just change the score lower for the Suns and higher for the Bucks. And did you see how the shot clock was speeded up when the Suns had the ball? Rigged!”

If only Jovan Pulitzer had an invention that could detect kinematic thingee-boos. 

Branch pointed out that Suns were supposed to stay at the Four Seasons but those deplorable Bucks instead sent our team to a landscaping business.

“They had to sleep in the plants and shower with a garden hose!” an angry Branch noted.

But the final outrage came in the third quarter of Tuesday night’s game, when the Suns were in the lead.

“They kept counting the points!” Branch raged.

Sadly, we are too far away from Milwaukee and thus couldn’t storm the arena on Tuesday evening to stop the Bucks from being crowned NBA champs. But there is still hope.

Branch proposes that we all swear an oath to meet in Milwaukee on Aug. 6 and “fight like hell to get our trophy back.”

Arizona, after all, has been cheated out of that which was rightfully ours by a team that probably practiced in its basement. 

Why should we accept it when our team loses?

Gov. Doug Ducey must immediately convene the Legislature to propose and pass a series of basketball reforms in order to “restore integrity” to the game. Henceforth, all Wisconsonites who seek to gain entrance to whatever they’re calling the Suns arena these days must provide five forms of ID to prove both that they are legal citizens and not currently dead.

They also must register for their tickets at least two months in advance.

Senate President Karen Fann also needs to launch a full forensic audit into the nefarious frameup that happened in Wisconsin on Tuesday night. And if the ninjas can’t figure out the intricacies of how the Bucks stole our championship, why then, their team should have to prove they didn’t steal it.

Think I’ve gone over the edge? That I should be a good sport and just accept the inevitable fact that sometimes your team loses?

Nevah.

Reach Roberts at laurie.roberts@arizonarepublic.com. Follow her on Twitter at @LaurieRoberts.

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